After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
