so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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