Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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