Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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