she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize