I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
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