Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
