Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
