You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
