im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
