dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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