last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
