I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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