her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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