I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
