Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
