I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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