Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
