I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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