i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
