since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My bed smells like the plague
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
