if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
