When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
