we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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