I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Sober January is a disaster.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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