Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
