I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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