So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
