Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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