i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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