Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
