We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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