this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
