did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
