i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize