You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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