Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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