please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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