doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
