i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
