i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Randomize
