I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
