so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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