Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
