His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize