i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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