I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
