My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
