I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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