when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
