just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
