The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it was like eating out sand paper
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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