No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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