You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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