She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
