Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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