You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
